Sayonara 2008

2008...
a year which i was anxiously waiting for since my diploma years.. why? hm.. no special reason really, just lurve the number 2-0-0-8 :) and if u put together with my birth date, it becomes --> 08-02-08 --> cantik kan?hehe

i've always wished something good would happen to me in 2008.. but my, was i wrong :S
it started out awful.. on the first day itself, i was already crying my eyes out.. someone i cared about..overeacted over some stuff and ended up saying the most despicable things to me.. labelling me with words you dont ever want to hear.. mcm tak percaya but yup, it came from the person i cared most about.. all thanks to Kak Emy, i survived the day..

then it got better, some things were fixed.. and things seemed to fall in the right place.. had the best birthday in years.. but that happiness didnt last long.. :,(

i lost someone dear, a bestfriend, a confidant.. I dunno how i made it throught the following months.. i was broken, angry, numb, bitter,torn apart - all at the same time.. tears were like my best friend.. it sounds cheesy i know.. but only those who have lost their first love would understand what i went through.. no kidding.. i never thought i could smiled again.. but Allah is indeed Maha Penyayang.. with supports from friends, i was able to pick myself up, and stand up again alhamdulillah..:)

all in all, 2008 was not what i expected at all.. ye la kan, a year which i've spent feeling depressed and hopeless most of the time.. not to say nothing good ever happened.. ader la a few things which made me smiled, namely getting in touch with long lost friends, that "conditional" offer from SC (note the word conditional yea ppl.hehe), became closer with my coursemates:) thats good enough i guess..kene bersyukur after all.hehe

so time to bid goodbye 2008 and all the painful memories that came with it..huhu
WELCOME 2009 :)

p/s: Mr. Cupid dear, stop neglecting me and start doing ur job pleeeasse.. thats a pretty please with the cherry on top *winks*

hmm...

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I'll know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight
And damn it this feels too right
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with?

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

You can´t give up!
When you're Lookin´ for a diamond in the rough
Because you never know when it shows up
Make sure you´re holdin` on
‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on

SONG : Gotta be somebody - Nickelback

*note : this is what i tell myself everyday, especially when friends and family ask me the NO-NO question - "bila nak kawin?" i'm no God people.. only He can answer that for me.. *sigh*

Implementation of Hudud Law - Understand Before Rejecting

what i'm about to say might be sensitive to others, some might even think i'm a strong follower of a certain political group.. but allow me clarify a few things first.. i'm NOT into politics.i firmly believe that politic itself is dirty, let alone the people who are involved in it.i'm writing this because i believe i have the duty to give a clearer picture of Islamic criminal law(ICL) and how it works. i'm no expert in it, but as a law student at an Islamic university, and most importantly as a Muslim, i'm proud to say that i do have a basic understanding on the fundamentals of ICL.

it bothers me to see politicians, both Muslims(SAD!) and non-Muslims, openly giving their opinions on how Hudud cannot be implemented in our multi-racial/multi-religion Malaysia.but excuse me dear politicians, do you even know how to execute hudud law?most importantly,do u even know what are hudud offences? have you people even thought of the rationale behind public amputation @ whipping? sadly, NO! without having much or any understanding at all on the system, you're labelling ICL as barbaric, draconian.. suka hati je kan?urgh it makes me so mad!

let me just share some very basic concept and principles of ICL.under Islamic law, criminal offences can be divided into 3 main categories : -

- Hudud offences = wrongs committed against the right of Allah
examples : murtad (apostacy), zina (illicit intercourse),
sariqah (theft), hirabah (armed robbery + some jurists
consider rape to fall under hirabah as well), shurb
al-khamr (drinking wine)

- Qisas offences = wrongs committed against the right of another man
examples : murder, causing grievous hurt


- Ta'zir offences = offences which do not fall in either categories above and determined by the government @ State


the punishment for Hudud and Qisas offences are expressly prescribed in the Quran.lets take the most controversial example, punishment for the offence of theft - amputation of hand. yes, at a glance the punishment seems very severe, too harsh. thats what i thought too, but BEFORE i studied ICL.now i can actually accept it. it's severe for a reason - to prevent the offender from repeating the same offence and it serves as a warning to the public not to commit the same act. just imagine having to watch an accused who has been proven to steal, being amputated right in front of our eyes.. seeing the agony in the offender's face.. do u think anyone out there dares to commit the same act??? just answer truthfully.. no rite? i doubt there's a single man out there who would have the b*lls to even think of trying to commit theft.. thats the beauty of the imposition of such harsh punishment. it's to deter the offence once and for all..

note however, this punishment is not imposed on just any act of taking the property of others. this is where the public are often confused.no, amputation of hand will not be imposed on a kid stealing a pencil from his classmate nor will a homeless person stealing bread from a grocery shop. Islam prescribes very specific definition of theft. the act of stealing must be done SECRETLY, not openly..
the stolen property must be of certain amount and the intention must be to deprive the victim over the possession of the property.. not only that, the standard of burden of proof = BEYOND ANY SHADOW OF DOUBT. unlike the requirement in civil courts = beyond any reasonable doubt, the burden of proof in establishing Hudud offences is much higher.. in other words, it is VERY difficult to prove that an accused has committed theft, let alone to execute the punishment.. do u now see how ICL is beautifully arranged? the idea of having severe punishment is reconciled with the fact that to prove a Hudud case is very hard. see people..if only we could stop judging.. try to see the big picture behind everything.. ni tak, sebut je Islam and Hudud, semua nak menggelabah.. come on la people.. Allah is Most-Knowing.. He is our Creator after all.. He would know what can be done, what cannot be done.. He is 'Adil.. He would never impose upon us anything that is beyond our capabilities.. if He wants us to apply ICL, then we should.. stop questioning.. it'd suit us all- Muslims or non-Muslims, insyaAllah...

economic recession + graduation = disaster

the world economic crisis has been the highlight of media coverage these past few months.. frankly speaking, i didnt really pay that much attention to it since i thought Malaysian economy is still ok and all, or has yet to be affected by it.. unfortunately, i was wrong. after reading today's newspaper reports, i am now terrified.. more than 4000 workers are to be retrenched.. and i bet there will be a whole lot more to come.. this is so scary! its like having the same nightmare ('97-98 crisis) all over again! yikes!

why am i freaking out? i'm GRADUATING in four months time(insyaAllah) and that means this is the most crucial time of all to do job-hunting.. now after realizing how bad the state of our economy is, im doubting the possibility of finding any job opportunities! in other words, i'm actually and directly affected by the recession.. erk.. aiyayay.. finishing law school a.s.a.p does not seem all that appealing anymore *sigh* what am i to do?? chambering?? no please no.. i do not want to go through that 9 months of ordeal.. a.k.a 9 months of self-degrading experience.. tak nak!i dont wanna end up crying everyday!huhu.. camane ni?hm.. i've yet to hear from Petronas application.. isk.. scarynyer..

what is it with men??!

there's this thing with me, i cringe at the sight of a guy carrying his gf's handbag in public..uurrggh sick!! dude, i know you're trying to be a gentleman and all, but come on, there are soooooooooo many other ways of showing that ok.. to me, the whole act of helping the gf to carry the handbag is equal to the fact the gf is DOMINATING the guy.. :P yes, guys are suppose to protect the safety of their gfs, but handbags??puhleez, thats soo not the way!!

the other day, i came to know that a guy friend of mine who was recently engaged, "ended" a friendship with one of his close girl friend because the fiance asked him to do so.. errkk?? how dumb is that??! tau la sayang tunang kan, but do you have to ditch an old friend? dude, dont you have a mind of your own? think and take control lar.. it's so sad to see a MAN who suddenly lose control of his life over a woman, just like that.. and it's embarassing for me as a woman, to know that another woman can be that selfish and insecure.. so what if he remains in touch with his old friend? dont you have guy friends yourself?dont you wanna be able to still keep in touch with them even after you get married? just think about it, even if your boyfriend or fiance or husband still keep in touch with their girl friends whom they've known long before they know you, that would not change the fact that they still love you.. stop being so insecure ! memalukan je ok.. i couldnt help but shudder at the thought of a friendship that has to come to an end because someone's being overly paranoid and insecure.. it's not worth it people.. men, be in control please :p

my lil darlings..

my lil cousins who have been keeping me busy this hols..



~Baby Jasmin~


~Mek Na- Lil Sis, Iya - Baby Kimora~

~Ishmel - Amirul - Irfan~

numb

life has been very stagnant these past couple of days.. mundane in fact.. there's nothing new nor exciting to look up for.. sure i'm enjoying my holidays.. i still cant get enuff of doing absolutely nothing.. but to a certain extent, im beginning to question myself, is this all there is to my life? the only thing that i look forward to is to finish up my degree, and embark on a career by the end of April next year.. other than that, n-o-t-h-i-n-g.. sad isnt it? this state of "nothingness" is driving me nuts.. i dont even know what im feeling! thats how bad it is.. i wish im at least aware of my emotions..i guess the only word that could describe what i feel rite now is numb.. yup, numb.. *sigh*

much awaited break

i've been home for almost two weeks now.. and its been FABULOUS!:) after da loooong 4months of non-stop school works and studying, this break means a lot of me.. i can now breathe properly..yup, no more long list of things-to-do.. no more setting my alarm clock everytime i wanna close these eyes and try to get some rest..huhu i jez lurve da fact that i can wake up late, watch t.v. and do absolutely nothing.lol i feel so relaxed, at peace:) punye la tak nak buat ape-ape sekarang, nak log on da net pun malas.haha if before this, i've been very much addicted to facebook and must log on it for 5-10 times daily, now nak log on once a day pun susah.huhu i think da only beneficial thing that i do these days is drive around my mom and lil sis, run errands and get groceries.. bertuah punyer anak kan?lol well,i dont care..i believe i deserve this break after all that i went through last semester... and i know for sure that i need this break before my last semester of law school begins in mid december.. yes, 1 more semester to go!!:)

another trial..

this is a real challenge.. i've never been this worried about exams throughout my law school.. cant afford to let my grades drop, not in my final year.. am not sure if i can maintain it even.. *sigh* no, im not giving up.. i cant succumb to this either.. i still have time, insyaAllah.. i've gone through soo much just to get into law school, cant quit now.. just gotta suck it all in and S.T.U.D.Y..... pray for me people

thank u..

its amazing how life works.. everytime i'm down, or feeling hopeless, you would suddenly appear to lift me up..just by a casual act, a few words of encouragement or a simple joke.. you make me smile and that means a lot:) you might not even know you have this effect on me and i rather keep things this way.. i dont want to complicate things or make things awkward.. but trust me, i wish you know.. coz u've helped a lot in the past couple of months, just by putting a smile back on this face.. im blessed to have met you and to have you around though not everyday.. but you just know how and when to make your entrance huh?appearing at the right time, always.. :) as much i would want you to be around all the time, i've got to be realistic, worried that one day you might just be gone.. so for the time being, i'd like to think that you're here for a reason - to make me smile :) and for that mista,thank you :)

behind this smile..

behind this smile..

there's a shattered heart..

there's an inexplicable pain..

there's an empty soul..

there's a forlorn spirit..

there's a bleak future..

but at the same time,

there's longing for happiness..

there's a desire not to look back...

there's faith that it'll all be healed..

and there's a lil glimpse of hope..:)

when everything else go wrong

i'm a firm believer that Allah is fair in every lil things that He decides for us..sure, when im facing the "test", i tend to question why is this happening to me.. why is He giving me such a "test".. at times, i feel that im just gonna break down coz the "test" is not what i could handle and i'd realize im too weak to go through it.. but then i'd tell myself that He only wants me to be closer to Him.. it's a reminder that He is always there watching over me.. He is always there to help..

" And whatever of blessings and good things you have, it is from Allah. Then when harm touches you, unto Him you cry aloud for help.." [Al Quran 16:53]

so when you feel lost, or helpless or hopeless while facing a "test" from Him, just look up, let it all out, cry if you have to and beg Him to make it easier for you.. and trust me, He'll always hear your prayer ;) coz last nite He did and today im able to smile again..

2 down, 5 more to go

just finished my second paper, Civil Procedure (CP) today.. 3 hours of non-stop writing.. tiring k! im beginning to think all these law exams are just silly.. come to think of it, it is so unreasonable to make us so-called future lawyers to write up a statement of claim in what,45 minutes???!!! i mean, we basically need to finish reading up the problem within 5 minutes coz we have 5, yes, 5 other questions to read through, understand, extract the issues AND come up with the available remedies and procedures.. come on, even real lawyers need at least a week to do that, let alone 45 minutes?? if all the cause papers can be done within such a short period of time, im VERY sure that we wont hear the public or the judiciary complaining about lawyers making too much delay rite? duh!! :P ok, ok..im not angry..hehe i just think its absurd.. exams should not be the ONLY method to test our understanding.. we need more practical work within more reasonable timeframe.. huhu.. anyway, now that is done, i better concentrate on tomorrow's paper - public international law.. and yay, after tomorrow's paper i can at least breathe for a couple of days.. thank God :)

again and again..

i've allowed myself to place my trust in you again.. i thought u were real..but i guess u were just using me.. how stupid of me.. again and again, im left with this excruciating pain.. and i feel betrayed this time.. i never knew a human being, Allah's most special creature, being granted a HEART, could do anything like this.. do you even know what you're doing? you're lying to yourself, you've obviously fooled me.. and guess what, you've also betrayed that other person.. stop with all these acts.. havent you done enough? you're so not the person you think you are.. take a look at that mirror and ask yourself what you have done.. im amazed that you dont feel a tinge of guilt *sigh* Allah's fair.. today might be your day.. i just hope you realize what you're doing.. im beyond words now.. it hurts so bad that i cant shed a single tear.. i wish i could, so i can just get rid of this feeling.. oh well, i have HIM.. HE's listening.. HE's witnessing all these.. HE knows.. please give me the strength.. please..

it's the season..:)

this past weekend had witnessed 2 of my friends' engagement and one wedding - Zura, roomie back in UPM, and Rahimie, ex-classmate back in Standard 6, are now officially engaged to their sweethearts (congrats!!!) whereas my former diploma coursemate, Zatul had embark on the 'marriage-hood' on Sunday and has now become the official Mrs. Lopaque (his real name is Radzi, we just call him that!).. and for the first time, i actually attended my own friend's wedding! Zatul dear, u should feel honoured coz i managed to persuade myself to take some time off from studying Jurisprudence(da exam was yesterday)!haha but im happy that i made it.. gotta be honest, it felt different.. usually its family weddings but this time around, it's your own friend.. the friend that u used to gossip with for hours, the friend that u shared your wedding dreams with..hehe gosh, time really flies..i've hit that stage oredi! next in turn is another collegemate back in UPM, Hafiz a.k.a Jinggo, who's gonna tie the knot to Fira this saturday.. and now im thinkin, nak sangat tgk kawan sendiri kawin kan?haa skang dah start, it doesnt seem to stop..and yes, it makes myself wonder when is my turn?! hmm.. Wallahualam :P

to all the lucky people out there

dedicated to all the wonderful people who are blessed to have found their other half, their soulmate and the love of their life :)

p/s: truly envy u guys :P

Lyrics

i want to but i just cant..

me & zura

today is a big day for my friend Zura, room mate of 3 years in UPM.. today, she's gonna be engaged.. today, she's gonna be one step closer to a lifetime commitment.. congrats babe! :) only God knows how happy i am for YOU and Puteh (Azrul).. but a part of me sedih sgt2 that i cant join u on such a big event like this.. i feel so bad.. i really want to go.. u know that rite? but im stuck in between preparing for my final exams and this.. im not trying to be selfish, but exams are very important now that im in my final year.. i really2 hope u understand and tak kecik hati.. u know how i've waited for this moment.. believe it or not, ur big day is not the first that i've missed.. i've missed Ain's wedding, my friend Shikin's wedding (to which until this very day she's still not speaking to me ), Iza's engagement and now urs dear.. i have no choice.. all these big days happened during exam time.. :( please please please forgive me..

anyway, may u haf a wonderful ceremony..and may u get married really soon..tak yah tunggu lama2 lagi..kesian abg puteh!lol i seriusly still cant believe how u guys got togetha.. ur dreams really did come true huh? from secret crush to a real marriage!wow..i sooo envy u :P there goes anotha friend of mine..hehe congrats again dearie *hugs*

yikes..it's already thursday

i cant believe how fast time flies..it's already thursday! in 3 days time, my battle in the exam hall will begin.. andyet, im still in the midst of tryin to gobble down all the law and authorities before me.. so much more to read, understand and absorb..aiyayay.. perhaps i should just stop logging on the net, and continue studying..huhu penat dah mata ni membaca! lol

please no...

you know how our muscles and joints ache when we're about to have a fever? well, i've felt that since last saturday nite.. i think my body is exhausted..physically and mentally exhausted.. i know if i just lay down in bed and rest, it'll probably get even worse..so, i kept telling myself, it's all in the mind, moved about like im ok ( i even went out to see Mamma Mia yesterday ok?lol).. but last nite before i went to bed, da aching started again.. and i think it's worse when i woke up this morning..throbbing headache, blocked nose made me stayed in bed a lil longer than usual.. but da thing is, i cant afford to be sick rite now.. my finals start next week, as in Monday next week..followed by another two papers on Wednesday and Thursday.. that means im suppose to be in my study-marathon mood, not lying in bed! oh my dear body, please be well..gotta study..gotta do loads of reading.. cant have you rite now..maybe after 3 weeks?pretty please... ok, i better get some more panadol and start reading..

it's been six months..

now,before i even begin with dis entry, i need to make a note to those who might read dis and to myself, that i am not dwelling on things..i am fine.. its just that i feel like putting these thoughts into words..share it with those who care enough to read.. nothing more, nothing less..

believe it or not, it has been six months..half a year.. i dunno how i got through these months, but hey im still standing :) and i can even smile too.hehe tears, questioning, wondering, feeling so weak..im done with all that.. sure, da pain is still there alrite..but im no longer sad.. bitter?yes, at times..haha not because of what happened, but because i allow myself to be placed in such a situation..i could see the signs all along, but i never had the guts to walk off..i was way to complacent with the way things were that i was, in a way, living in a state of denial.. i should've make a move long time ago..but nope, i was being stubborn, wanted things to work out so bad, not willing to quit.. and here i am, having to learn things the hard way.. oh well, shit happens kan?hehe

things are better now(except for da tonnes of school work of course!).. i guess i've managed to swallow everything..its no longer stuck in my throat.. time is da best medicine people:) oh yea, distraction helps too.. and definitely loads of support from friends and family.. im ever so grateful to have so many friends who were always there to hear me out.. they picked me up and helped me stand up again.. they wiped away these tears, made me smile & laugh my head off, and most importantly, they made me feel good about myself again.. to Mazlina, Najia, Suraya, Abg Hairin, Kak Julia, Kak Emy, Kak Maz, Kak Hasni, Yan, Jasma, Mr. F, Elyna, Aufa, Maryam, Ina, Mun, Tasha, Adora, Shiykin, Che Wan, Azeem.. may Allah bless all you wonderful people always.. you guyz have given me so much strength.. caaayunkkk korang!! *hugs* dis is me afta six months.. i hope i'll be much better in times to come..:)

drained out..

i dont think i've had enough rest during raya break.. and now that im back in campus, im bogged down with skool work and a long line of tests next week - evidence, professional practice & criminal procedure..at the look of things, i might as well have final exams terus.. which reminds me that yup, final exams is in what, 2 weeks time? joy! :p i just cant believe how hectic this semester has been.. i actually need to time myself for everything.. when will all these be over and done with??! oh April, do justice to me and come SOON! im so tired of being a student.. i know working wont be much easier but at least i'll have more freedom rite? well, i sure hope so.. inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.. a few more months, just a few more months! *sigh*

i.dont.know.

i've just received an sms from Laila, my former roomate back in UPM.. she was asking me when will our turn come to get engage and marry now that our friends Iza and Zura are engaged.. the minute i read her message i felt like screaming at her face..really.. haha how could anyone ask me that question??! there's no way i could have an answer to that..marriage seems far off from me rite now.. maybe before this, i could actually some glimpe of it, but now..i dont think so..im still scared..im still searching..and i can only pray and hope that my turn will come soon enough..insyaAllah...:) so people, please be sensitive.. dont ask me or any other single people out there such a question.. coz i just dont know!hehe :p

work, work, work...

im swamped with loads of work AGAIN.. just had my jurisprudence test today..1 down, 1 more test to go before raya break - public international law (pil) test this sunday..yup, thats right! SUNDAY people! to make my life even more "interesting", i'll have 2hrs of replacement class rite after the test..what a lurvely way to spend my sunday huh?*sigh* i also need to squeeze in my time to prepare for my pil presentation on wedn.. AND my legal writing for professional practice which is due on the 26th..but since im heading back home on the 24th, guess i just have to make sure i get it done before wedn.. thats 4 days away! im suffocating oredi..help! i just cant wait to get all these over and done with.. i just wanna go home, have iftar with my family and get ready for Eid..!

I'm falling and I'm terrified

as much as i've tried to withhold myself, i think im falling.. not a deep fall, but a fall indeed..and this scares me..i'm caught in between - guarding myself and taking a risk.. im terrified of the things im not aware of.. im afraid that i'll get crushed.. im worried of falling hard, falling too deep .. i never knew that i could be terrified over such thing..im myself surprised at my own reaction..sure, people say its normal to fall, it is unavoidable sometimes..but still, i.am.scared!! to the extent that i cried..what's happening to me?? i've never imagined that i would turn out to be like this.. afraid of taking chances.. when things are doing great, this voice inside my head keep on telling me, "dee, all these sound too good to be true..step back a lil.. u cant afford to let urself get hurt..not again.." i guess its good that im still able to keep my feet on the ground, though i feel like floating.. but past experiences taught me a lot.. im constantly holding myself back.. i hope im doing the right thing..oh i dunno *sigh

Iftar With Friends

~former residents of 5th College, UPM~
fr left: Fira, Me, Amar, Jinggo, Fidi, Amy, Syameil & Abg Hairin

Last Sunday, I managed to gather a couple of my former collegemates from UPM for buka puasa @ Eden Village, Chulan Square. Amar was da one who suggested we have it that weekend since he would be in KL. Kinda sedey coz tak ramai sgt yg could make it..especially da gurls.. ape2 pn, I had loads of fun.. dah lame tak gelak with dis guyz.. Thank u all for coming, especially Aufa & Mr. F (tho they're not fr K5, they were kinda enuff to accept my invitations)! We should make this an annual event:)

Fidi & his gurls

With Aufa, my coursemate in UIA.. Thanks for letting me drag u along dear

~afta 1st round of food~

~me, Mr. F & Amy~

Rezeki Ramadhan..

As I got out of my Professional Practice class yesterday, I realized there was a missed call on my phone..oh shoot, it was the Securities Commission again! this is the second time they called while i was in class..what should i do?the number was the SC's general line..I have no idea who to refer to if I call them back.. talked to a few friends and my Abah..they all asked my to call SC back.. so after Friday prayers, gathered up all my courage and gave them a call.. while i was on the line, trying to trace which officer actually made that call, my phone was ringing.. its the SC ! :) and guess what? SC is giving me a conditional job offer !!:) meaning, subject to my final results, i actually have a job waiting! well, two jobs actually if i were to count TM, my sponsor.. this is soo unexpected.. frankly, i didnt think i had much of a chance with SC after i told them im a TM scholar.. the lady who interviewed me a month ago said SC doesnt have an open policy in "snatching" away other organizations' scholars.. so at that moment, i thought..there goes my chance.. seriously, I.DID.NOT.EXPECT. this at all.. my rezeki i guess.. ALHAMDULILLAH :) i cant stop smiling since yesterday..and dunno how to explain how grateful i am.. for those who know how hard it was for me to get into law school, 3 long years of waiting (and crying of course), you would understand what this means to me.. i believe this is the reward for not giving up, for having faith in HIM..alhamdulillah :)

busiest time of the semester..

after almost a week facing my laptop just to complete drafting for Civil Procedure (CP for short), i finally managed to complete 90% of the work.. my drafting exercise is basically to prepare relevant documents to be filed in court for an accident case.. Since my "client" was served a summons to appear in court for negligent driving, i have to prepare :
i) notice of appearance - to show that my client will appear in court to defend herself against the claims made by the plaintiff

ii) statement of defence + counter-claims against the plaintiff

iii) documentary evidence such as police report, medical report (in which i had to pretend to be a doctor for awhile :P ), several letters etc

as stressful as it was, i actually kinda enjoyed doin the work.. this is real legal stuff in which u cant jez simply apply the law, but u have to think and put little pieces together to form a solid case for ur client.. challenging i must say but still not the branch of law im opting for once i graduate..hehe.. im still eager to go into corporate law :P

i still have tonnes of other things to do.. legal opinion for Professional Practice, presentation for Methods of Da'wah class, an Evidence test coming up on wednesday, followed by Public International Law presentation+submission, and..Criminal Procedure test.. phew..a lot huh? :p

rase macam nak pengsan pun ade..but hey, welcome to final year..haha just a few more months and i'll be done with all these..the few "dramas" which i had to face this past week made things tougher.. but thanks to wonderful friends, i got through it..

came friday, i was in better mood.. Kak Emy, from Petronas took me out for buka puasa buffet at Eden.. met Kak Su and Sophian.. had such a great discussion with them.. from Malaysian political scenario(which include the "is he or is he not?" issue..lol) to my jodoh theory + "fated"..haha glad i didnt feel that awkward hanging out with these professionals and could actually blend in:)

and just now, buka puase at Tasha's place.. yummy food and had fun with the gurls..managed to get my mind off the loooong list of things to do for awhile..

what's even better,got myself some "chocs from Singapore" !!! :D courtesy of MR. F *winks* the dark belgian choc with no added sugar suits my taste perfectly..




thanks for being so thoughtful yea?now, im a lil hyper n its oredi 2am! should just stop here then..:)

Ramadhan 2008

Alhamdulillah, Ramadhan is back once again.. Muslims all over the world begin to perform the third pillar of Islam - fasting, starting today.. Ramadhan this year is rather different for my family and I.. For one, Acik (my baby bro, Khairul Syazwan) is not home with us to welcome the first day of Ramadhan.. He's away in UiTM Perak.. I feel sad knowing he only had a bowl of Maggi for his first Sahur.. Knowing Acik, who could actually eat 2 plates full of rice even for Sahur, that must be tough on him!hehe.. But I'm sure it must be harder on Ma, not seeing all her children for Sahur and Buka Puasa..

It is during this Ramadhan as well, the baby of the family aka my only sis, Iya ( Noorul Amalia) will be sitting for her UPSR.. 9th September to be exact.. Yesterday she was already complaining about having to face such a big exam during fasting month. She's worried that the grumbling tummy will disturb her concentration.. Yeah rite Iya! :P You'll get more barakah la my dear sis..

Errm.. this Ramadhan shall also be very hard for my dear aunt, Che Ani and her three daughters - Kak Long, Kak Na and Baby.. the first Ramadhan without a husband and a father.. My uncle passed away recently in Madina upon arrival in his journey for Umrah.. Had the chance to meet Che Ani 2 days ago when she came along to pick me at the airport..I cant even look at her eyes.. Sadness and loneliness were written all over her face.. She's not her usual self anymore.. Of course not Dee, her husband of almost 20 years is no longer here:( She's left all alone to bring up their 3 daughters without any man in the house.. May Allah give her all the strength that she needs...Be strong Che Ani..

~ che ani and i during che aya's wedding~

this Ramadhan shall also be a challenge to my classmate back in form 5 @ Bkt Mertajam High School, Nadya Afifa.. she just lost her dear father a few months back due to kidney cancer.. She's one strong lady, that I know for sure.. Take good care of ur mom and urself k Nad? *hugs*

looking at what my aunt and friend have to go through, i feel so stupid for complaining and whining about my so-called "misery".. what i've lost is NOTHING compared to what they are going through.. their loss are far worse than mine.. i should be grateful that i still have those who are very important to me in this world - my parents, my family, my friends.. :)

Ramadhan al-Mubarak to all..May we always be blessed with His hidayah thorughout this holy month..Amin :)

re-organizing life

after crying my eyes out this afternoon, i feel more calm..i need to get back on track.. i need to push aside all these crazy emotions.. i cant go on like this.. i need to stop looking back at the past.. i need to start treasuring what i have today and look forward to what's to come tomorrow.. i seriously need to work on my resume and start sending off job application.. frankly, rite now i wanna go and start a new life far away.. Dubai @ New Zealand are top two choices in my head rite now;) need to chase after that rainbow..please pray for me..

losing a bestfriend..

it was his groggy voice that i hear first every morning.. it was him whom i called in between classes to complaint about my lecturers.. it was him whom i turned to whenever i need a shoulder to cry on.. it was ONLY him that i felt comfortable telling my fears, my anger, my doubts, my thoughts, my dreams..but now..there's no more him.. he's gone.. forever i guess..:(

losing him created this huge hole in my heart.. i no longer have that someone to confide to.. sure i have my parents..but its not the same..i can go to my gal frens..but no,it doesnt feel the same either..(sorry, not that i dont appreciate all you all wonderful people out there..u've helped a lot really) i guess this is the danger of feeling too comfortable and complacent with that someone.. coz once he/she is gone..it seems impossible to find a "replacement"..

i still wish my bestfriend is around.. there are times when i secretly pray that he's thinking of and missing our conversations.. we used to talk and laugh for hours.. i believe our connection was really strong(tho he thinks we are very different).. and yes, i miss the arguments too..hehe

now im beginning to think that maybe i am feeling like a wreck because i miss my bestfriend badly.. i miss knowing the fact that he'll always be there to hear me..i know this may be a lil selfish but i just wish that lady understands that a male and female CAN be just friends.. you have him, his heart, but do u have to take my bestfriend away?

a wreck

been feeling like a total wreck since last week.. one minute i was smiling, the next i was on the verge of unstoppable tears.. it could just be the hormones, or it could just be too much emotions that have been bottled up for too long.. I.HAVE.NO.IDEA. i tried to keep up with my daily routine - classes, tutorials, reading case law, facebooking.. i thought if i just keep myself busy, then maybe this shitty feeling would just go away..but nope, it didnt wanna leave me.. i felt very lost.. empty.. to a certain extent, i dunno what was i actually feeling.. i kept on searching for the answer.. maybe i was just very homesick for i havent gone back home for over a month.. or maybe it's just final year.. tonnes of workloads + very lil rest..

i decided that i just need loads of rest.. spent my whole weekend on bed with the internet and novel (my sister's keeper which i still havent managed to finish!) of course... the gloomy weather was like the icing on the cake.. but what do u know? i still felt miserable.. yesterday was the worst.. practically had to drag myself to classes.. but by lunch time, i was really losing it..i just had to get out of my Uni and get some fresh air.. got myself on the lrt and off i went to KLCC.. i knew i just had to get my depression therapy = BELGIAN CHOC @ COFFEE BEAN.. i really wanted to catch Wall.E but decided against it.. watching a movie alone at the cinema was too depressing for me.. Lucky for me, i managed to get Kak Julia, my former supervisor in Petronas.. the long talk and good laugh really helped.. was feeling all better as i head back to my uni..

this morning, i thought im back to my normal self.. until a friend told me i looked very sad.. thats when all these shitty emotions came flooding back into my chest..sheesh.. i wanted to cry so much.. but there was no tears.. then i did something really stupid.. i called him.. first to just ask about civil procedure matters.. end up me silently crying( just the tears rolling down my cheeks but no sound of course) as i talked to him.. for the first time in these few months, he was being his normal self..the "him" which i've known for so long.. and i felt good after that.. at least the guy i used to know is still there within him.. thank you for making my day.. i hope you get well soon..

as for me..the emotions are still wild and all over the place.. i read the Quran.. i pray continuously so that all this will be over with.. i just want to at least know what im feeling rather than feeling lost like this.. snap out of this dee.. its just a phase.. stop feeling like a wreck..

TRUTH that we dont want to hear

discovering the unwanted truth about sumthin always leave a negative impact on us.. thats why people say that truth hurts.. oh you bet it does :P i guess it has to do with the fact that particular truth is NOT exactly what we wanna hear.. so the minute you hear it, you choke, you feel like you've just fall flat on your bottom.. sometimes it can even make you shiver, tears may come streaming down from your eyes even..

so how do we deal with the unwanted truth? this is what i do...
1) take a very deep long breath..
2) let it go...
3) swallow.. it may get stuck in the throat for a while but it'll pass, i guarantee you.. *winks*

no matter what we do, what we hope for, what we expect to happen, the unwanted truth never fails to find us.. it will always be lurking in sumwhere.. so when you do hafta face that painful truth, face it like a man, though it sure hurts like crazy inside.. remember, all you gotta do is SWALLOW it...

holding back - part II

with the comments i've received from the previous entry and some gal friends, i think i need to do a lil more explaination about what is it that im actually feeling.. yes, i may sound all excited, even giddy in fact!lol but hey, i havent lost my head..i havent fall head over heel for anyone.. im just feeling happy.. :) i think anyone in my position would actually feel the same way.. maybe not react in the same tho ( i am known to SHOW what i feel.. i dont like bottling it all up:P ) trust me, i'm being careful.. but at the same time, i wanna enjoy all that i've got as of now.. i've had enough of heartaches all these while.. so for once, i wanna chill and enjoy the opportunities that Allah has given me..with certain restrictions of course.. i believe if you have good intention, and wants it for the sake of Allah, He will guide you.. thats all i have to say *winks* thank you for being concerned tho..lurve u people :)

holding back..

if you've experienced pain, you would know what i feel..

sure, life seems better now..

all you feel like doing is smiling & laughing..

but at the back of your head,

you know this sounds too good to be true..

your heart is telling you, no, you're going to fast..

you've got to hold back..and be careful...

you sure dont wanna stumble and fall again..

you just couldnt go through all the tears, all the heartaches again..

no, not AGAIN...

but this small part of your heart is also telling you to give yourself a chance..

a chance to experience happiness...

a chance to see the good in other people...

here i am asking myself..is it ok to feel this way?

is this the right time to explore what's out there again?

or should i just wait a lil longer..

make sure i've fully recovered, then only give myself a chance..

hm..i dunno..holding back might lead to losing a chance rite?

and the fact that i've actually "melted" doesnt help one bit *blush*

what should i do..hold back..@ give it a shot? *winks*

glimpse of hope...

:) yes, im gonna start dis entry wif a smile.. why? well, that is what im actually doin rite now as i key in these words.. life has been very kind to me these couple of days..in fact, i think im actually happy :) see, i cant even stop smiling.. hehe i suppose i've put my past in da place where it belongs, faaaaaaarrr away from dis precious heart of mine..im beginning to look forward to many new exciting things, making more friends and enjoy every minute of every day:) I'm ever so grateful to Allah for giving the strength..for giving me a glimpse of hope..for introducing me to wonderful people who helped lift me up... who actually managed to put smiles on this face again..may Allah bless all you wonderful people *winks* i never expected to feel like this so soon.. i guess it's true..there's always a hikmah behind everything that happens..it just depends on us whether to see it or not.. :)

Better In Time

Leona Lewis's Better In Time happens to be my fav these days.. I can actually relate to every single word in the lyrics.. It is such a BEAUTIFUL song.. :)

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there, no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be okay

[ Chorus: ]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

How could I turn on the TV
When there's something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming, don't wanna let
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be okay

[ Chorus: ]

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is
I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[ Chorus: ]

Letting Go - Part III

i dunno wat has gotten into me.. i became weak again last nite.. urghh i hate myself for being this stupid and this weak.. why cant i just simply get up n walk tall.. stop feeling the pain.. i know the pain wont go away just like that (unlike how some people can easily forget and find a replacement!).. i know the pain will remains in my heart for a long time.. i understand, thats just a normal course of life..but I.JUST.WANT.TO.STOP.FEELING.IT..

oh PAIN, please go away.. i've had had enough of u.. why cant u just leave me alone so that i can find the opposite of u, HAPPINESS.. how i long to have HAPPINESS back in my life..how i long to have HAPPINESS wrapping its arms around me and make me feel good again.. urgh, im so sick and tired of having u around PAIN.. go away and dont ever come back.. my heart is not a place for u.. in fact, u dont belong in anyone's heart.. just go away.. may Allah take u away from me once and for all..

harsh lesson

I've learnt some very harsh lesson last nite.. People forget.. *sigh* I simply do not understand how some people, despite being Muslims, forget about those who have been there for them when they were facing problems, lifting them up, giving them all the support that they need.. being by their side when they had nothing, putting every effort to make them feel better, can actually FORGET.. just like that.. It is so depressing to see how these people can just walk out of you when they start to achieve things that they want, finding the so-called happiness that they've been seeking for.. leaving out those who were really THERE for them.. God, it HURTS to be left behind :(

time flies..

Believe it or not, this is already da third week of my final year.. Tutorials have just begun, which means my days would now end around 5 everyday.. Yup, I'm back to my busy 9-5 life again *rolled eyes*

Hm..I've also realized that even July is almost over.. Wow, only a couple more months left of 2008.. time sure flies.. Now I'm thinking what have I achieved so far?hmm..what happens to all da "big plans" for this year?OK, let me tell you a lil secret.. When I was doin my diploma in UPM, my girlfriends and I were always talking about our dream wedding, when to get married etc.. And being innocent and naive, we kinda "booked" dates in 2008 for our so-called "wedding"!LOL most of us chose 08.08.08 and 20.08.2008 :) nice dates huh? i'm sure it'll look great on wedding invitations.hehe now all dat jez seems silly kan?i guess dat is wat people called da "innocent fun of da young" :) sadly, none of us are actually gonna get married on these coming dates.haha though our plans didnt really work out, I'm happy to see that one of my girls, Ain, already got married last year.. And Iza is getting engaged this saturday(26/7), Zura is about to be "dirisik" VERY soon :) oh gosh..i've reached da phase where everyone is getting married!oh no!! scaaaarryy.. LOL

Letting Go - Part II

I've finally got rid of his stuff yesterday.. I dropped it off at his sister's place.. Though I was shivering as I put all the stuff away.. especially the ring (which was my birthday present this year), I knew it was what I had to do.. Frankly, I actually felt good after that.. Ok, maybe good is such a big word.. RELIEVED is more appropriate.. :)

I was very touched with what his sister said to me.. she said, " be strong, no reason for you to be sad..HE wasnt worth it and that I should find someone who loves and appreciates me.." To hear THAT from his own big sister meant a lot to me..:) I remember that his mom even said that she'll pray I'll find a much better guy..I guess when you hear that coming from his own family members, it sorta lifted you up a bit.. makes you feel appreciated..

I keep telling myself enough is enough.. if he doesnt see me for who I am then it is NOT worth it at all.. I deserve better.. !LOL Perhaps, one fine day..I will really find my other half....:)

Letting Go - Part I

It has been almost 2 weeks since I discovered about da new love in his life. It hasnt been easy for me..Da nite I found out, I was trembling and crying da whole nite..I know we have broken up.. And it's his right.. I dun blame him.. Yeah, things happen.. This thing with our heart, it is unpredictable. I know that..But I never expected that it'd be this soon for him to fall for sumone new.. I know him.. I know he's not the type to fall for a gurl that easily.. I mean, in less than 2 months!She must be sumthing.. I guess I'm ok with the fact that he's moving on.. But what's killing me is he's acting as if I dun mean a thing to him.. As if I'm so meaningless.. And all the things that we went through the past 6 years..he seems to forget all that.. And that is just excruciatingly painful.. Only God knows how I feel..



I believe everything happens for a reason, a hikmah.. Maybe I'm just too torn apart to realize what it is.. I am trying very hard to move on.. It has been a roller-coaster of emotions for me.. Sumtimes I feel I am so strong that all the pains are healed.. but there are times when I just feel so sick in the stomach, wondering how he has the heart to do this to me.. right before my final year of law school.. the time when I needed him the most:( People change I suppose.. I've been trying to keep myself busy so that my mind wont wander off to him..but hey, I'm just a human being.. The pain still lies deep in my heart.. Nights are the hardest for me.. I guess it has to do with the fact we usually talked on the phone at nights, sharing our days.. He wasnt just my bf, he was my best friend, my confidant.. Losing a bf AND a best friend at the same time is truly difficult.. I guess I just have to swallow all these.. and I keep reminding myself....

God didnt promise days without pain,

laughter without sorrow, sun without rain,

but He did promise strength for the day,

comfort for the tears and light for the way

L

mole on da chin

yesterday, while i was waiting for my turn to print my term paper at my college's cyber cafe,i was approached by this girl.. she asked, " Diyana kan?". i replied yes..believe it or not, it was my classmate back in form 4! no wonder, she seems very familiar. at da back at my head, i thought it was her but couldnt be too sure. i mean, what is she doing in UIA at 11.40 pm? after all, as long as i could remember, she studies in UiTM.and we havent met since i left the school (SMK Abdullah Munshi Penang) in 2000. thats 8 years already! in disbelief that she still remembers me, i asked, "how did you know it's me?". To my suprise, she said, "well, at first i wasnt sure myself. but as i got a better view of your face, I noticed that mole of yours on your chin, i became very certain it's you!".hehe my mole?gee, i never knew she even noticed i have a mole!!well, what a small world..found out that she just enrolled in UIA for her masters.. guess, we're goin to be Uni-mates now..:)

sick

i've just recovered from dis food poisoning bug... which means i've been in bed (and countless trips to da toilet) for da past 2 days.. and rite now, i just wish im home surrounded by my family :( i want real food..i cant even stand looking at da food they sell here.. oh god, i wanna go home.. but now being da busiest time of da semester, dun think i can afford a trip back home or trip to anywhere for that matter.. this whole experience of being sick here in uia taught me 2 things :


1) unconditional love can only be defined by our parents love.. i realized that only my parents can comfort me thru da excruciating stomach cramps.. they just never stop caring.. and no one in this whole entire universe is capable of doing such good job..






2) true friends are VERY hard to find.. when i was sick these past 2 days, i've never felt so alone.. i remember when i had da same problem back in UPM, i had my dear roomates Yan, Zura, Laila & Ain to look after me..who accompanied me to da clinic.. who brought food to bed.. who basically were there throughout da painful experience.. over here, except for a few coursemates like Najia, Suraya, Shahreena and Irma, i was all alone.. da saddest part, my roomates didnt even know i was sick.. how some people can be so ignorant.. I'd do anything to have roomate like Yan in UPM again.. her call last nite really lifted up my strength..

a crazy week..

this has been a VERY crazy week for me..sooo many things happened really..soo many things to be submitted - term paper draft, submission for eps, land case review, and last but not least of course, my "fav" subject problem-based learning submission to my "fav" dr b..gosh, i dunno why am i even mentioning her name here..my blood pressure just went up at da thought of the cursed word TRUST and her name..haha.. not only me, but practically everyone in her section for law of trusts are having nervous breakdown + mental distress.. never ever in my life as a university student have i met someone like her..she's so indecisive..she doesnt even know what she wants from us and she expects to know exactly what's on her mind..isnt that just beyond craziness?and da best part of all, she announced my test result in front of da whole class..dunno what her intention was..i guess she originally wanted to compliment but later since she has such a big mouth, she just had to blab my marks la kan?watever!! i'll never, i mean never forgive her for that man.. uurggh..!!enough about dr b. hm..not only this has been da craziest week ever, its also da most tiring one..had class from early morning til late evening.. continued with group discussions at nite..by da time i got back in da room, it was almost midnite..all da muscles and joints in my body aches like crazy..wish i could have a full body massage or a whole day at da spa or something..hehe..i wish! and to make things worse, im involved with mooting competition right now..being a liaison officer means i have to walk every corner of my faculty da whole day..today was only da first day..have 2 more days to go.. dunno how im gonna handle da coming 2 days..uurghh..i just wish i could be in bed:( now im wondering why did i volunteer in da first place..haha oh well, i got no choice but just have to go through with it.. rite now, im reaaaaally hoping next week wont be so bad..i want my sleep, i want my rest..really..

life..

dunno what has gotten into me..jez decided to start blogging today...maybe it has sumthing to do with the fact that lately, im beginning to realize that life is indeed short..i guess being a year older always have that effect on us huh?so i thought, by expressing myself and sharing with people what i go through everyday may be a way for me and others, i hope, to enjoy life more.. to appreciate those little2 things in life which i think people tend to take for granted these days.. i believe people these days are so caught up with work, that we no longer take a few moments just to stop and enjoy the smell of the rain, or to stop and smile to the stranger who hands out leaflets on the street nor do we bother to stop our fast tracks just to help the blind or the elder to get on the lrt or cross the streets.. it is sad to see how selfish and ignorant people have become today..im not trying to make a generalization here..yes, i do admit that there are still people who still care about those around us.. and i've actually come across these wonderful people..but then again, this category of people are just "rare" to find..sometimes i'd ask myself, what can I do to change these people? how do i encourage them to be more caring..to actually realize that life is not just about making money, or having the latest gadgets on the market, or about wearing designer's clothing.. life carries so many deeper meanings than all that..i guess all that i can do is jez pray and hope that as the days go by, more and more people will begin to realize how precious life is.. :)