am i not meant to be happy or something?

the past month has been awesome..i was smiling every day, all thanks to u.. but baru je nak happy, i discovered the truth..sheesh.. why is it so hard for me to have the chance to be happy? u really did make a difference..even my parents noticed it..it has been awhile since i smiled that way..tapi sayang..it was only for a month :'( if only u can see how painful this is for me.. what if i dont want to let go..cant u at least give me a chance.. it hurts the way u're acting now..sebak bile tgk u biase ngn org lain, but couldnt even say hi to me :( takkan la senang sgt kut.. :'( i miss YOU..come back please..

numbness

this lil organ called heart is still feeling numb..sakit pun ade..ntah, tak tau la camane nak describe.. its so easy for people to say sorry..and to some, its soo easy to forgive.. i dont see this as a chance of pointing the blame to the other person.. i know it's my own silly mistake.. i shouldn't have played with fire.. now i got no choice but to just suck it all in *sigh* it's still sakit:( but nak buat macam mane.. uurggh..why am i such a fool in this heart business.. im so tired already :'(

again and again

i fell flat on my face again.. every time i think i've found the strength to get up, push myself to "open up" to someone new, i seem to fall flat the next minute.. causing me to be all crushed up inside, leaving another scar, making me losing hope, once again.. i know its just another test from Him.. but every time i have to face this type of test, i think my heart begins to shrink smaller and smaller.. Ya Allah, please...let me continue to have this hope..jangan la Kau tarik perasaan ni altogether.. i still believe in You..and i know You're Fair.. i still believe that there is someone out there for me.. please lemme continue to have this faith until i find that someone..

emptiness

festive season can be so difficult..sure there are families around... but it's not the same when you get older..you start longing for your very own family.. all around, you see husband and wife choosing the Raya outfit.. parents trying out new clothes on their lil ones.. *sigh* and here i am doing my Raya shopping alone.. im not trying to do the self-pity thingy or anything.. i cant help but feel the huge hole inside this scarred, broken lil piece of heart i have left.. *sigh* good things dont come easily Diyana..chill.. just take a deep breath.. your turn will come soon enough.. insyaAllah.. :S

mr. unattainable

why oh why do u have to be engaged already?sobs sobs sobs.. i guess all the good guys are taken.. sheesh.. its so susah to find a guy who's as smart as you, soft spoken, family man.. sobs sobs.. guess its your jodoh.. may she makes you happy always :)

the deceiving look

people always misunderstood me to be a career-lady.. as if i don't care about settling down, having a family.. they say the look on my face says it all..my, are they wrong or what?! the 'deceiving look' is just like a shield to protect myself from being seen as so vulnerable la :( i've been hearing this remark all the time.. how i wish i can make them see that NO, career is not the only thing i want out of this life.. only He knows how badly i wanna have a companion by my side, a 'home' to come to, children to look after..

i may not put up a sad look all the time.. takkan la i nak buat macam tu kan? gimme a break.. just because i put up a strong face, doesn't mean i am all that strong.. if u must know, i often cry driving back from work.. because i feel all alone.. and realization begins to hit me that my dream job now, my company is not going to look after me when i get old, or take care of me when i'm not well.. its family.. and i do want a family of my own :(

but up until now, i have yet to be blessed with a jodoh.. i cant possibly mourn all day can i? life has to go on.. i try so hard but to no luck yet.. to the extent now, i'm just gonna let time decide for me.. its tough people..its so tough being a single lady who tries hard to open up to others and yet being crushed at every opportunity.. and i'm sick of men who feel so inferior to what i do for a living.. dude, if i like you, that'd mean i like you for who you are, so tak payah la complicate things and rase inferior..sheesh.. penat ok..sometimes, i am so tired of this heart business.. i'm not giving up..but too much pain can make you so weak.. ntahla, i'm just going to leave it to Him..

*sigh*

my dream job

after almost 7 months working for Petronas, i feel extremely blessed to have a job that i really enjoy doing.. the workload can be pretty stressful, the learning curve very steep but i still love the challenge nevertheless..

when i was younger, i've always pictured myself working with intelligent people and doing something challenging and difficult, where time is everything.. guess i got it :) i'm still very much new to this LNG world.. i'd say i've only seen maybe 15% of it? there are still a lot more to learn, to master..

as of now, my portfolio can be divided into 2 - the plant legal work & the commercial legal work.

when i mention plant, i'm referring to MLNG's liquefaction plant in Bintulu.. what i do is mostly the procurement matters, any legal issues involving the plant work.. this part of my work can be pretty tricky..yes, i get to work with engineers *winks* but communication can be a challenge!haha not to generalize engineers or anything, but they are not as expressive as us lawyers..to get a piece of detail from them macam nak keluarkan emas from their mouth!hehe but i still respect them ( i hated physics when i was in school, mind you!that explains huh?) some of the matters i've handled are very technical, gotta understand how the whole process works..i'm still trying to grasp the overwhelming technical stuff.. and i still havent had the chance to enter the manufacturing area.. hope i get to do it soon! doing plant legal work means i hafta to travel to Bintulu, like once a month.. I love it there..so peaceful unlike KL! no traffic, no hustle bustle.. i pretty much enjoy my trips there, especially now that I have friends to bring around for dinner, Bintulu style :)

commercial side of the business is based here in KL.. currently, i'm looking over India & Southeast Asia market, plus a few from other region like Australia, Spain and Qatar.. what I do is assist in execution of sale and purchase of LNG.. here's where the negotiation, contract risk analysis comes in.. what's more challenging is I usually have very short window to do all these.. tough I must say! protecting company's interest must be a priority, always and always! sometimes, i gotta educate the traders that the terms proposed by the counterparty are not favorable to us and we can't just simply close one eye on it.. sometimes i gotta convince the counterparty that the terms proposed are just unacceptable..hm..i think i need more exposure, training in negotiating i guess.. tiring but still seronok! just love the thrill of it..

i guess i'm very lucky to be given the opportunity to see the whole chain of the LNG business.. from how the natural gas is liquefied, up to how it is delivered to buyers :) i hope i'll be able to stay in this line for a couple more years to get a better exposure :)

a year has passed and gone

whoaa..cant believe it has been half a year since i last post an entry..somehow after my last entry, i felt ridiculous letting out too much emotion in here..haha and now, tetibe feel like writing again..fyi, lots of thing have happened in the last couple of months.. now where do i start..



oh yes, i finally completed my LL.B people! finished the exams end of april last year.. got my result in June.. and had my convocation in October:)

1st job --> had a difficult time in choosing where do i start my career.. Alhamdulillah, despite the economic recession, I was blessed with a few job offers.. AG's Chambers, Securities Commission & TM.. I decided to go with AG's Chambers..why?lets just say, i felt it was the right place to be.huhu unfortunately, my posting order was a big shock to me! i was sent to JAKIM as their Federal Counsel. please dont get me wrong, I have nothing against JAKIM really.it was just that i really wanted to be in the prosecution team..thought i'd have such a chance but nope, i was sent to a department which i've never even imagined or heard much about.. there i was thinking, why in the world would they send me there?why?! why?!i dont even have any Shariah background! truth be told, i cried every single nite of my first week there... after realizing that i couldnt possible get out of it, i decided to make the best of whatever challenge that comes my way.. Alhamdulillah, berkat bersabar i realized the importance of the Legal Department there.. I felt guilty for crying, whining, complaining..Allah has placed me in a place where i could directly play a role in developing the implementation of Shariah in this country.. thats free pahala after all.. :)

despite coming to terms with this dugaan, i never stopped praying for Allah to place me in an working environment which best suit me, which would allow me use the best of my knowledge, my capabilities, my energy, my enthusiasm.. deep down, i know i dont really suit this place.. soon enough, Allah answered my prayer.. I was called for interview with my dream employer, PETRONAS! :D

my dream job

after three long and challenging interview sessions, i finally got my dream job!! legal executive in PETRONAS:) dreams do come true people;) we just have to be sabar and have loads of faith in HIM.. not only i got my dream job, i am also assigned under gas business, part of the company which i was aiming for!:) i feel really blessed..i am now the legal exec in Malaysia LNG (thats liquified natural gas) Sdn Bhd, or MLNG for short :D frankly, this part of the business is not something easy, it's very technical. 1st week in the company, i was overwhelmed with all the technical terms used in the agreements - take or pay, demurrage rate, FOB, DES etc.. rase nak nangis pun ade, for i know, in order to be a good legal counsel for the company, i need to really understand the LNG business.. im still taking my baby steps..good thing, i have great colleagues to hold my hands, watch my steps ;) small steps first diyana..

~will update more on my dream job.sleepy, need to get some sleep for the journey back to kl tomorrow..toodles ;P