re-organizing life

after crying my eyes out this afternoon, i feel more calm..i need to get back on track.. i need to push aside all these crazy emotions.. i cant go on like this.. i need to stop looking back at the past.. i need to start treasuring what i have today and look forward to what's to come tomorrow.. i seriously need to work on my resume and start sending off job application.. frankly, rite now i wanna go and start a new life far away.. Dubai @ New Zealand are top two choices in my head rite now;) need to chase after that rainbow..please pray for me..

losing a bestfriend..

it was his groggy voice that i hear first every morning.. it was him whom i called in between classes to complaint about my lecturers.. it was him whom i turned to whenever i need a shoulder to cry on.. it was ONLY him that i felt comfortable telling my fears, my anger, my doubts, my thoughts, my dreams..but now..there's no more him.. he's gone.. forever i guess..:(

losing him created this huge hole in my heart.. i no longer have that someone to confide to.. sure i have my parents..but its not the same..i can go to my gal frens..but no,it doesnt feel the same either..(sorry, not that i dont appreciate all you all wonderful people out there..u've helped a lot really) i guess this is the danger of feeling too comfortable and complacent with that someone.. coz once he/she is gone..it seems impossible to find a "replacement"..

i still wish my bestfriend is around.. there are times when i secretly pray that he's thinking of and missing our conversations.. we used to talk and laugh for hours.. i believe our connection was really strong(tho he thinks we are very different).. and yes, i miss the arguments too..hehe

now im beginning to think that maybe i am feeling like a wreck because i miss my bestfriend badly.. i miss knowing the fact that he'll always be there to hear me..i know this may be a lil selfish but i just wish that lady understands that a male and female CAN be just friends.. you have him, his heart, but do u have to take my bestfriend away?

a wreck

been feeling like a total wreck since last week.. one minute i was smiling, the next i was on the verge of unstoppable tears.. it could just be the hormones, or it could just be too much emotions that have been bottled up for too long.. I.HAVE.NO.IDEA. i tried to keep up with my daily routine - classes, tutorials, reading case law, facebooking.. i thought if i just keep myself busy, then maybe this shitty feeling would just go away..but nope, it didnt wanna leave me.. i felt very lost.. empty.. to a certain extent, i dunno what was i actually feeling.. i kept on searching for the answer.. maybe i was just very homesick for i havent gone back home for over a month.. or maybe it's just final year.. tonnes of workloads + very lil rest..

i decided that i just need loads of rest.. spent my whole weekend on bed with the internet and novel (my sister's keeper which i still havent managed to finish!) of course... the gloomy weather was like the icing on the cake.. but what do u know? i still felt miserable.. yesterday was the worst.. practically had to drag myself to classes.. but by lunch time, i was really losing it..i just had to get out of my Uni and get some fresh air.. got myself on the lrt and off i went to KLCC.. i knew i just had to get my depression therapy = BELGIAN CHOC @ COFFEE BEAN.. i really wanted to catch Wall.E but decided against it.. watching a movie alone at the cinema was too depressing for me.. Lucky for me, i managed to get Kak Julia, my former supervisor in Petronas.. the long talk and good laugh really helped.. was feeling all better as i head back to my uni..

this morning, i thought im back to my normal self.. until a friend told me i looked very sad.. thats when all these shitty emotions came flooding back into my chest..sheesh.. i wanted to cry so much.. but there was no tears.. then i did something really stupid.. i called him.. first to just ask about civil procedure matters.. end up me silently crying( just the tears rolling down my cheeks but no sound of course) as i talked to him.. for the first time in these few months, he was being his normal self..the "him" which i've known for so long.. and i felt good after that.. at least the guy i used to know is still there within him.. thank you for making my day.. i hope you get well soon..

as for me..the emotions are still wild and all over the place.. i read the Quran.. i pray continuously so that all this will be over with.. i just want to at least know what im feeling rather than feeling lost like this.. snap out of this dee.. its just a phase.. stop feeling like a wreck..

TRUTH that we dont want to hear

discovering the unwanted truth about sumthin always leave a negative impact on us.. thats why people say that truth hurts.. oh you bet it does :P i guess it has to do with the fact that particular truth is NOT exactly what we wanna hear.. so the minute you hear it, you choke, you feel like you've just fall flat on your bottom.. sometimes it can even make you shiver, tears may come streaming down from your eyes even..

so how do we deal with the unwanted truth? this is what i do...
1) take a very deep long breath..
2) let it go...
3) swallow.. it may get stuck in the throat for a while but it'll pass, i guarantee you.. *winks*

no matter what we do, what we hope for, what we expect to happen, the unwanted truth never fails to find us.. it will always be lurking in sumwhere.. so when you do hafta face that painful truth, face it like a man, though it sure hurts like crazy inside.. remember, all you gotta do is SWALLOW it...

holding back - part II

with the comments i've received from the previous entry and some gal friends, i think i need to do a lil more explaination about what is it that im actually feeling.. yes, i may sound all excited, even giddy in fact!lol but hey, i havent lost my head..i havent fall head over heel for anyone.. im just feeling happy.. :) i think anyone in my position would actually feel the same way.. maybe not react in the same tho ( i am known to SHOW what i feel.. i dont like bottling it all up:P ) trust me, i'm being careful.. but at the same time, i wanna enjoy all that i've got as of now.. i've had enough of heartaches all these while.. so for once, i wanna chill and enjoy the opportunities that Allah has given me..with certain restrictions of course.. i believe if you have good intention, and wants it for the sake of Allah, He will guide you.. thats all i have to say *winks* thank you for being concerned tho..lurve u people :)

holding back..

if you've experienced pain, you would know what i feel..

sure, life seems better now..

all you feel like doing is smiling & laughing..

but at the back of your head,

you know this sounds too good to be true..

your heart is telling you, no, you're going to fast..

you've got to hold back..and be careful...

you sure dont wanna stumble and fall again..

you just couldnt go through all the tears, all the heartaches again..

no, not AGAIN...

but this small part of your heart is also telling you to give yourself a chance..

a chance to experience happiness...

a chance to see the good in other people...

here i am asking myself..is it ok to feel this way?

is this the right time to explore what's out there again?

or should i just wait a lil longer..

make sure i've fully recovered, then only give myself a chance..

hm..i dunno..holding back might lead to losing a chance rite?

and the fact that i've actually "melted" doesnt help one bit *blush*

what should i do..hold back..@ give it a shot? *winks*

glimpse of hope...

:) yes, im gonna start dis entry wif a smile.. why? well, that is what im actually doin rite now as i key in these words.. life has been very kind to me these couple of days..in fact, i think im actually happy :) see, i cant even stop smiling.. hehe i suppose i've put my past in da place where it belongs, faaaaaaarrr away from dis precious heart of mine..im beginning to look forward to many new exciting things, making more friends and enjoy every minute of every day:) I'm ever so grateful to Allah for giving the strength..for giving me a glimpse of hope..for introducing me to wonderful people who helped lift me up... who actually managed to put smiles on this face again..may Allah bless all you wonderful people *winks* i never expected to feel like this so soon.. i guess it's true..there's always a hikmah behind everything that happens..it just depends on us whether to see it or not.. :)