or so they say

people always say that if u love someone, let him/her go.if he/she is meant to be yours, he/she will come back.if not, mmg takde jodoh la namenyer tu. first time i heard this quote i was against it.tak logik kan?kalu syg of course la kene do something to keep it that way? but i have once let go.. he didnt come back immediately, he came back after he got married.. so no point..

but this time, i have to let go in order for him to be happy, with the girl that has won his heart. its tough trying hard to be a friend and at the same time having feelings for him.it's super hard.i wish he could see that or at least understand that.oh well, i have got to be strong for myself. Ya Allah, besarnyer ujian Mu pada hambaMu ni..kuatkan ke hambaMu nak tempuh semua ni?please show me the light at the end of this tunnel Ya Allah.lemah rasenyer hambaMu ni :(

and its official, JINXED again

for how many times, i dah lost count, i'm jinxed AGAIN.. ntah kene mandi bunga 1000x baru ok kut..pffttt. :( i'm shivering rite now. i dunno why..maybe becoz i wanted it to work out so bad. maybe becoz i can see something in him.. but no, he's not feeling it either...now im beginning to question, am i that bad? penatnyer Ya Allah.maybe i should just tutup je hati ni daripada kene crushed like this over and over and over again. :'( ok, im crying.. dammit :'( why am i so weak.. please give me strength..please :'(

is this what i really want?

when i was growing up, all i wanted was having a good career that will take me places.. see the world.. having a family of my own, wasn't a priority.. bkn tak nak, but i just assumed that i will automatically meet someone, settle down and have my own kids..

i guess thats where i went wrong.i focus too much on getting good grades..all in the name of getting a good job.i thought if i do that, then i'll make my parents proud.. the least i could do to make them happy after besarkan i..

but now looking back, and when i meet friends who have already settled down.. im beginning to question myself.. is having a good career such a good thing? balik2 sorg jugak kat umah.maybe being a mediocre but a family of your own would be much better kan?at least its a balanced life..not like mine.. bkn tak nak bersyukur.. :( tapi lately asyik question my direction in life je... :((

another reason why going to work is such a dread these days..keje mmg byk and will never end.. maybe this is not what i want after all..i always imagine myself "making it big" one day.. but maybe i'm wrong..maybe happiness doesn't lie in all the "big" thing.. :( i feel so lost..

jinx again?

it has only been a month.. and i think im jinxed again.. yup AGAIN.. why la like this? one day he seems ok, the next day he gives me the cold treatment.. i.dont.get.it. i should just stay away.like really. forget it.

terrified..

things have been great.. never thought that things would work out great between us.. u seem to understand me.. it's weird how u can "read" me within this short period of time..maybe i'm not as complicated as i thought. hm.. i think i may have fallen.. how can i not? u make me smile.. u pampered me like a lil princess..tell me, how could i not fall for u..:)

but then, i'm scared and terrified.. my past experiences have taught me well..tak boleh happy sgt.. tak boleh berharap sangat...coz there's nothing certain in this world.. mungkin perasaan happy ni dipinjamkanNya buat sementara je.. so i always have to beringat.. saya takut :S i pray that if this is the best for me..permudahkan.. if it's not the best for me, cepat2 la jauhkan from me.. my fragile heart can't handle anymore pain, thats for sure..

i wish somebody could coax or reassure me that things are going to be great..tapi sape lah buat macam tu when we are not in control of what's going to happen the next second.. give me a sign Ya Allah..

to "you", thanks for making me smile..:)

don't fall..yet..

it's way too soon diyana. WAY too soon.. just hold yourself back a bit.. don't fall just yet.. take your time..don't be persuaded by the emotion too soon..u don't want to fall flat on your face again.. give it a try but don't fall please.don't think the broken fragile lil heart of yours is ready.. enjoy every moment of it,but DON'T fall..yet ;)

time to let it out again..

it's that time again when i can't hold things inside.. i need to let it out.i can just go to my friends and share this feelings but i think it's better for me to let go of things here. i guess at times, it is best to just hear your own thoughts and not let people ( even the closest of friends/families for that matter) sway you with what they believe in.. and this is that time again. i've always thought that maybe, just maybe after some time, i won't be this lonely anymore. i'd have someone by my side, a companion, just simply someone to share my daily ramblings. but sadly, that ain't happening yet.

as i browsed my previous entries, i noticed that most of 'em are very sad entries. those entries still talk about pretty much the same thing..how empty this heart is. i don't mean to question things, but to a certain extent i'm beginning to wonder am i meant to be alone?i sure hope not :(

it's funny, i feel most lonely when i'm with my family. i dunno why but every time i'm surrounded by 'em, i feel so "far" from everyone.. i begin to long for that someone more than anything. is it the time for me have my own family?perhaps...

my mom and friends seem to think that i'm being picky about guys. how i wish these people know how bad i try to open up and not judge any guy who seems like a possible "calon"..trust me, i am really trying.. but some reason i myself can't understand, every time i try to open up, the guy seems to walk away faaaaaaarrrr away.. am i that bad? this has not only happened once, now dah banyak kali sangat sampai i rase nak give up..am i cursed? :(

rite now, i feel so demotivated. it's not that i'm not grateful for things that i have rite now, but i feel that lack of "someone" is slowly killing me inside. yes, alhamdulillah, i have a great job at a very established company.. but i realized that work is not everything. that job is not gonna take care of me when i'm sick or old. it's that someone, it's family who'll be looking after me.

majority of my friends are married and about to have babies. i long to experience the same. and i get really sad when i see worried look on my parents' face. more than anything, i want to find jodoh so that my mom doesn't have to worry about me driving all alone, travelling all alone. i know she's worried. that's why i pretend to not care when i'm around her. i can't bear show how badly this is affecting me in front of her. she has worried enough to see me grow up. and now that i'm gonna be 27 really soon, cukup-cukup la tu kan? i have to admit tho, penatnyer berlagak kuat. penat sangat2.. recently, my younger told my parents that he wants to be engaged.. if dulu, bleh la i bagi alasan that he's still young. but he is 26 this year. sampai bile i nak put it off for him just because tak nak kene langkah bendul rite? it's not fair for him.takkan nak tunggu my jodoh, entah biler entah.. when my mom showed the kain he bought for the tunang ceremony, i rushed to the toilet.i finally cried. bukan sebab jealous, Lillahi bukan sebab jealous. just sedih mengenangkan my own nasib. it hurts even more when people ask my parents, my mom especially. i can see that she too, braced herself when being asked that question, biler nak dapat menantu? kesiannyer mama.. Ya Allah, even if i don't deserve to have someone now, please grant me a jodoh now for the sake of my parents Ya Allah. i don't want them to be sad. please Ya Allah :(