it's that time again when i can't hold things inside.. i need to let it out.i can just go to my friends and share this feelings but i think it's better for me to let go of things here. i guess at times, it is best to just hear your own thoughts and not let people ( even the closest of friends/families for that matter) sway you with what they believe in.. and this is that time again. i've always thought that maybe, just maybe after some time, i won't be this lonely anymore. i'd have someone by my side, a companion, just simply someone to share my daily ramblings. but sadly, that ain't happening yet.
as i browsed my previous entries, i noticed that most of 'em are very sad entries. those entries still talk about pretty much the same thing..how empty this heart is. i don't mean to question things, but to a certain extent i'm beginning to wonder am i meant to be alone?i sure hope not :(
it's funny, i feel most lonely when i'm with my family. i dunno why but every time i'm surrounded by 'em, i feel so "far" from everyone.. i begin to long for that someone more than anything. is it the time for me have my own family?perhaps...
my mom and friends seem to think that i'm being picky about guys. how i wish these people know how bad i try to open up and not judge any guy who seems like a possible "calon"..trust me, i am really trying.. but some reason i myself can't understand, every time i try to open up, the guy seems to walk away faaaaaaarrrr away.. am i that bad? this has not only happened once, now dah banyak kali sangat sampai i rase nak give up..am i cursed? :(
rite now, i feel so demotivated. it's not that i'm not grateful for things that i have rite now, but i feel that lack of "someone" is slowly killing me inside. yes, alhamdulillah, i have a great job at a very established company.. but i realized that work is not everything. that job is not gonna take care of me when i'm sick or old. it's that someone, it's family who'll be looking after me.
majority of my friends are married and about to have babies. i long to experience the same. and i get really sad when i see worried look on my parents' face. more than anything, i want to find jodoh so that my mom doesn't have to worry about me driving all alone, travelling all alone. i know she's worried. that's why i pretend to not care when i'm around her. i can't bear show how badly this is affecting me in front of her. she has worried enough to see me grow up. and now that i'm gonna be 27 really soon, cukup-cukup la tu kan? i have to admit tho, penatnyer berlagak kuat. penat sangat2.. recently, my younger told my parents that he wants to be engaged.. if dulu, bleh la i bagi alasan that he's still young. but he is 26 this year. sampai bile i nak put it off for him just because tak nak kene langkah bendul rite? it's not fair for him.takkan nak tunggu my jodoh, entah biler entah.. when my mom showed the kain he bought for the tunang ceremony, i rushed to the toilet.i finally cried. bukan sebab jealous, Lillahi bukan sebab jealous. just sedih mengenangkan my own nasib. it hurts even more when people ask my parents, my mom especially. i can see that she too, braced herself when being asked that question, biler nak dapat menantu? kesiannyer mama.. Ya Allah, even if i don't deserve to have someone now, please grant me a jodoh now for the sake of my parents Ya Allah. i don't want them to be sad. please Ya Allah :(
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