Letting Go - Part III

i dunno wat has gotten into me.. i became weak again last nite.. urghh i hate myself for being this stupid and this weak.. why cant i just simply get up n walk tall.. stop feeling the pain.. i know the pain wont go away just like that (unlike how some people can easily forget and find a replacement!).. i know the pain will remains in my heart for a long time.. i understand, thats just a normal course of life..but I.JUST.WANT.TO.STOP.FEELING.IT..

oh PAIN, please go away.. i've had had enough of u.. why cant u just leave me alone so that i can find the opposite of u, HAPPINESS.. how i long to have HAPPINESS back in my life..how i long to have HAPPINESS wrapping its arms around me and make me feel good again.. urgh, im so sick and tired of having u around PAIN.. go away and dont ever come back.. my heart is not a place for u.. in fact, u dont belong in anyone's heart.. just go away.. may Allah take u away from me once and for all..

harsh lesson

I've learnt some very harsh lesson last nite.. People forget.. *sigh* I simply do not understand how some people, despite being Muslims, forget about those who have been there for them when they were facing problems, lifting them up, giving them all the support that they need.. being by their side when they had nothing, putting every effort to make them feel better, can actually FORGET.. just like that.. It is so depressing to see how these people can just walk out of you when they start to achieve things that they want, finding the so-called happiness that they've been seeking for.. leaving out those who were really THERE for them.. God, it HURTS to be left behind :(

time flies..

Believe it or not, this is already da third week of my final year.. Tutorials have just begun, which means my days would now end around 5 everyday.. Yup, I'm back to my busy 9-5 life again *rolled eyes*

Hm..I've also realized that even July is almost over.. Wow, only a couple more months left of 2008.. time sure flies.. Now I'm thinking what have I achieved so far?hmm..what happens to all da "big plans" for this year?OK, let me tell you a lil secret.. When I was doin my diploma in UPM, my girlfriends and I were always talking about our dream wedding, when to get married etc.. And being innocent and naive, we kinda "booked" dates in 2008 for our so-called "wedding"!LOL most of us chose 08.08.08 and 20.08.2008 :) nice dates huh? i'm sure it'll look great on wedding invitations.hehe now all dat jez seems silly kan?i guess dat is wat people called da "innocent fun of da young" :) sadly, none of us are actually gonna get married on these coming dates.haha though our plans didnt really work out, I'm happy to see that one of my girls, Ain, already got married last year.. And Iza is getting engaged this saturday(26/7), Zura is about to be "dirisik" VERY soon :) oh gosh..i've reached da phase where everyone is getting married!oh no!! scaaaarryy.. LOL

Letting Go - Part II

I've finally got rid of his stuff yesterday.. I dropped it off at his sister's place.. Though I was shivering as I put all the stuff away.. especially the ring (which was my birthday present this year), I knew it was what I had to do.. Frankly, I actually felt good after that.. Ok, maybe good is such a big word.. RELIEVED is more appropriate.. :)

I was very touched with what his sister said to me.. she said, " be strong, no reason for you to be sad..HE wasnt worth it and that I should find someone who loves and appreciates me.." To hear THAT from his own big sister meant a lot to me..:) I remember that his mom even said that she'll pray I'll find a much better guy..I guess when you hear that coming from his own family members, it sorta lifted you up a bit.. makes you feel appreciated..

I keep telling myself enough is enough.. if he doesnt see me for who I am then it is NOT worth it at all.. I deserve better.. !LOL Perhaps, one fine day..I will really find my other half....:)

Letting Go - Part I

It has been almost 2 weeks since I discovered about da new love in his life. It hasnt been easy for me..Da nite I found out, I was trembling and crying da whole nite..I know we have broken up.. And it's his right.. I dun blame him.. Yeah, things happen.. This thing with our heart, it is unpredictable. I know that..But I never expected that it'd be this soon for him to fall for sumone new.. I know him.. I know he's not the type to fall for a gurl that easily.. I mean, in less than 2 months!She must be sumthing.. I guess I'm ok with the fact that he's moving on.. But what's killing me is he's acting as if I dun mean a thing to him.. As if I'm so meaningless.. And all the things that we went through the past 6 years..he seems to forget all that.. And that is just excruciatingly painful.. Only God knows how I feel..



I believe everything happens for a reason, a hikmah.. Maybe I'm just too torn apart to realize what it is.. I am trying very hard to move on.. It has been a roller-coaster of emotions for me.. Sumtimes I feel I am so strong that all the pains are healed.. but there are times when I just feel so sick in the stomach, wondering how he has the heart to do this to me.. right before my final year of law school.. the time when I needed him the most:( People change I suppose.. I've been trying to keep myself busy so that my mind wont wander off to him..but hey, I'm just a human being.. The pain still lies deep in my heart.. Nights are the hardest for me.. I guess it has to do with the fact we usually talked on the phone at nights, sharing our days.. He wasnt just my bf, he was my best friend, my confidant.. Losing a bf AND a best friend at the same time is truly difficult.. I guess I just have to swallow all these.. and I keep reminding myself....

God didnt promise days without pain,

laughter without sorrow, sun without rain,

but He did promise strength for the day,

comfort for the tears and light for the way

L

mole on da chin

yesterday, while i was waiting for my turn to print my term paper at my college's cyber cafe,i was approached by this girl.. she asked, " Diyana kan?". i replied yes..believe it or not, it was my classmate back in form 4! no wonder, she seems very familiar. at da back at my head, i thought it was her but couldnt be too sure. i mean, what is she doing in UIA at 11.40 pm? after all, as long as i could remember, she studies in UiTM.and we havent met since i left the school (SMK Abdullah Munshi Penang) in 2000. thats 8 years already! in disbelief that she still remembers me, i asked, "how did you know it's me?". To my suprise, she said, "well, at first i wasnt sure myself. but as i got a better view of your face, I noticed that mole of yours on your chin, i became very certain it's you!".hehe my mole?gee, i never knew she even noticed i have a mole!!well, what a small world..found out that she just enrolled in UIA for her masters.. guess, we're goin to be Uni-mates now..:)

sick

i've just recovered from dis food poisoning bug... which means i've been in bed (and countless trips to da toilet) for da past 2 days.. and rite now, i just wish im home surrounded by my family :( i want real food..i cant even stand looking at da food they sell here.. oh god, i wanna go home.. but now being da busiest time of da semester, dun think i can afford a trip back home or trip to anywhere for that matter.. this whole experience of being sick here in uia taught me 2 things :


1) unconditional love can only be defined by our parents love.. i realized that only my parents can comfort me thru da excruciating stomach cramps.. they just never stop caring.. and no one in this whole entire universe is capable of doing such good job..






2) true friends are VERY hard to find.. when i was sick these past 2 days, i've never felt so alone.. i remember when i had da same problem back in UPM, i had my dear roomates Yan, Zura, Laila & Ain to look after me..who accompanied me to da clinic.. who brought food to bed.. who basically were there throughout da painful experience.. over here, except for a few coursemates like Najia, Suraya, Shahreena and Irma, i was all alone.. da saddest part, my roomates didnt even know i was sick.. how some people can be so ignorant.. I'd do anything to have roomate like Yan in UPM again.. her call last nite really lifted up my strength..